Really?

Feeling like having a garage sale. For real.

That is on my desktop to try and motivate me. Sometimes it works other times it just a pic on my desktop that gets covered by opened windows. But seriously I do need to get busy. Busy living. I have been thinking a lot lately about how the people around me would be different if I was gone. Not that I want to be gone. But just thinking about it. I mean you ever feel so unappreciated that you really think about if and how your family would react if you died suddenly.

Why can't I sleep?

There are so many little things on my mind I don't know how to shut it off. I am in a good place right now, there is money in the bank, bills are paid, family is healthy, work is good, marriage is solid, actually marriage is better than solid, it is the best that is has ever been. We are going on 10 years and we have finally made it that place in life where we are comfortable but still fall in love with each other. But not just fall in love truly love. We appreciate each other, accept each other, and support each other, and still want each other. The kids are growing, still a handful but they are starting to get to that age where they are starting to be able to communicate and understand and really turning into little people. I love this age. When our daughter was their age she was so full of imagination. She would act things out, make up stories, and was so much fun to take places. She is almost 16 now and now we are starting to go through all new things with her. Boys calling, driving, independence. Whoa she is practically an adult. That is mind boggling. I was out on my own by time I was 17 she is only a year prior to that. I am happy she has had a more sheltered life than I did. I wish I could have stayed a kids for longer than I was allowed. This crap with my "mother" is still weighing heavy on me as well. I want to get past it, but I have this nagging sensation that is pushing me to fix it. But I don't want to fix it. I know what happens when I do, this is not the first time I stopped talking to her. This is just the last time. If I fix it and try to mend it, it will never truly be mended. She has not and I don't think will ever change. She will always have this poor me and grudge against me. She is happier with her family the way it is right now. I do miss my little brother though. He is going to be 18 soon. He will never understand where I am coming from, I know this. I understand this. I just wish he cared about me enough to still want to see me. I mean I raised him til he was 4. I just need to really find a way to get rid of this guilt and anxiety. Then I think I will be able to sleep. But til then, I think I am going to continue to be haunted by this crap.

I think back to times that I should have known that was gonna happen. And I kick myself for being blinded by who she was suppose to be. I still hear her calling me hurtful names and it hurts as much as it did then almost 10 years ago. I really wish I could go back in time and be stronger. But hey who doesnt wish that right.

Biggest regrets,

being ashamed of my Alopecia in school.

giving Jordan her last name

giving away our cars for co. cars

building that house

letting them kick my dad out of my wedding

not holding my baby before she passed

There are a few more I am sure, but those are some that stick out.

Christmas...

I am gonna wow him... He is gonna love his gift. We are going to end up staying at our current location a bit longer to ensure that I can send him on the trip but it will be worth it, I can already see his smile. Why do I love to make him happy? Love will do that to ya. I live to make him and the kids happy. It fills me up with such joy that I start to tear just thinking about it.

I did it!

I am kind of happy with myself. I told her exactly how I felt and did it in a way that did not make me sound like a complete bitch. But really how do you deal with a person who doesn't think their shit stinks?